I remember one of my first semesters at ARC having to write a paper on success. Ever since then I have become more and more aware that success is in the eye of the beholder.
I happen to behold success much differently than I did a few years ago.
While I never had huge unattainable aspirations or goals, I now realize that when life hits you square in the face, goals change. Measurements of success change. Life changes. Quick. And while the intentions behind my former endeavors were wholesome, I did not understand until very recently that I am not where I am supposed to be.
And despite hours of studying, thousands of dollars in tuition, books and fees, stresses of deadlines and page lengths; it's just not time to focus on that part of the "successfullness" of my life. Not right now. Someday, sure! But today I want to focus on attaining success of a higher standard.
While yesterday I saw success as a 6 figure salary and an approved grad school application; today I see success in finger prints on my oven door window. I see success when I walk down the hall to find an entire roll of toilet paper unrolled and shredded, or when "please" is 1 of 5 vocabulary words known.
Sure I want provision for my family, but I also want to be there for them. God has not called me to be a provider, God has called me to be a nurturer. A story reader, an owie kisser, a "nums" maker, a mom. And when you listen to Him, and can rest soundly in the decision you have made to follow His voice, provision is nothing to worry about.
I don't care if people think I have given up on myself. I don't care if people can't understand why I would "quit" this close to the end of my degree. I don't care if people don't measure success with the same tools I do. This is not a justification for my actions, which need not be justified. This is a reminder, to me and whoever else needs it, success is what makes you happy. And it's alright to not follow through with what you start off doing. Sometimes when life comes at you like a spider monkey, all you can do is put everything you have in God and know that He will take care of you. I'm not giving up on my own personal endeavors, they are just being put in my back pocket for a while. And when the time is right, I'll know.
For now, I will play with my babies, and love my husband. And of course, Lala too.
